The Mountain Echo

A friend of mine called me up during the week to ask me about complex numbers. I won’t bore you with the details other than to say that it’s a branch of maths that involves defining the square root of -1 as i in order to be able to solve problems involving the square root of negative numbers, even though technically they’re not real. He questioned the wisdom of studying something that doesn’t exist. Imagine my disbelief when he rang off, telling me he was late for church.

The historic US healthcare reform bill has passed the first hurdle in the House of Representatives by a majority of 219 to 212. It extends health coverage to 32 million more Americans. The bill still needs to get past a US Senate that is half full of Republicans, which will be tricky if 34 Democrats from the House of Representatives voting against their own party is any portent of the mood in the Senate. Markets reacted predictably badly to this latest bout of free spending from the US. Two year treasury notes sold by the US Treasury yielded 3.5 basis points more than a similar security sold by billionaire investor Warren Buffet’s company, Berkshire Hathaway. Basically, the public is saying it’s safer to lend money to Buffett than Barack Obama.

China has condemned Google’s decision to remove results censorship from its Chinese site. The US giant is redirecting users to its site in Hong Kong, though Chinese firewalls still censor results. Google is withdrawing after an alleged cyber attack, initiated inside China, on human rights activists’ email accounts. Censorship of the internet is the norm in China to prevent discussion of events like Tiananmen Square and the exile of the Dalai Lama. Sites such as youtube and Wikipedia are also blocked, together with offensive images and pornography. Doesn’t leave an awful lot left by my reckoning.

Hugo Chavez has extended the Easter holiday in Venezuela by three days to deal with the country’s electricity crisis. A drought has left water levels at the country’s main hydroelectric dam at critical levels. Irrespective of its oil reserves, Venezuela is still dependant on hydroelectricity for 70% of the country’s power needs. I’m not sure that I’d find a free week’s holiday that effective a disincentive for me to unplug my hair straighteners if I lived in Caracas.

An Icelandic volcano that has lain dormant for 200 years has erupted, sending lava 100m high. After that kind of dry spell, I’m not surprised. A nineteen year old Italian woman who hired two assassins to murder her father, paid for with money she’d borrowed off him, was arrested after the second hit man changed his mind and confessed to police. If you can’t trust a contract killer, who can you trust. Two men, who called a bank in Connecticut ten minutes before they arrived to tell them to have a bag of money ready as they were going to rob the place, were surprised to find police waiting for them on arrival. Nice to see that stereotype about Americans being jaw-droppingly stupid disproved. The Indian military is developing stun grenades using the bhut jolokia, or ‘ghost’ chilli. The chilli, at over 1m Scoville units, is around 10-15 times spicier than the nearest rival. As a rough guide, Tabasco sauce rates around 5000 on the same scale. Just a hunch, but I think they might be quite effective. Scientists from Cornell University have discovered that the meal in paintings of the Last Supper have been super-sized over the years. Studying 52 portraits over seven centuries, the team concluded that the meal and plates had grown by roughly two thirds. Attempts to similarly increase the Apostles girth in line were abandoned when the resultant image of Jesus looked almost exactly like Santa Claus.

And finally, the voice of boxing, Harry Carpenter, died this week at the age of 84. Remembered by British sports fans for commentary on some of Muhammad Ali’s most famous fights, the Rumble in the Jungle and the Thrilla in Manila, as well as for his close relationship with Frank Bruno, he’s also responsible for one of the biggest commentating gaffes in sporting history. Just after Oxford had won the 1977 Boat Race, as the crews awaited the presentation on the bank, Carpenter observed, “Ah isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew”. Until next week, I’m off to block up all the tributaries to Lake Geneva.

As the alarm clock shattered the idyll of my latest genepy-induced coma and rudely inserted me into Monday morning like a particularly unsympathetic gastroenterologist’s fingers at a prostate exam, I pondered a change of career. In scanning the web for possibilities I chanced upon a story about a soldier, blinded by a grenade in Iraq, who has learnt to see using his tongue. While I’m not prepared to give up my sight to avoid an early start on Monday morning, it did occur to me that if he can learn to breathe through his ears, he’ll be the most popular gynaecologist in history.

The EU has criticized the UK and other European nations for having optimistic growth projections and excessive debt. UK deficit is 12.6% of GDP, a shade worse than Greece, and projected to be at 4.7% by 2015, missing the EU’s target of 3%. Spain also took a pasting in the report for unrealistic economic targets to reduce their debt from the 11.4% it currently stands at. Amid all this, Chancellor Merkel has stated that there should be a procedure in place to exclude a member from the eurozone if required. Barack Obama would have more chance of getting into the Ku-Klux Klan than the UK would have of getting into the Euro at the moment, but while Greece has responded by saying there is zero chance of them leaving, I’d be more worried if her comments referred to Germany and France. If they abandoned the single currency, the resultant Mediterranean peso would be about as worthless as a Tiger Woods marriage vow.

British Airways cabin crew are scheduled to strike this weekend through till the 23rd March and again for four days from the 27th. BA said it intends to operate some 70% of its flights during the first strike with only domestic and some short haul journeys affected. Comrade Brown has declared the strike unjustified and deplorable, David Cameron has decried his efforts to avert the strike as ‘feeble’ given the close links between the Labour Party and the Unite union and, as per usual, no-one cares what the Liberal Democrats had to say.

Nigerian acting President Goodluck Jonathan has dissolved the country’s cabinet in his most significant move since assuming power in Feb due to the health problems of President Yar’Adua. Mr Jonathan has been dealing with the continued campaign of violence and disruption by the MEND group in the oil rich Niger delta, as well as the communal violence that has sprung up between Christian and Muslim groups in the city of Jos, which has already resulted in hundreds of deaths. Having asked his mirror, mirror on the wall ‘who has had the toughest month of all’ he emerged and asked his remaining advisors, ‘who the hell is John Terry?’

Time Warner bosses have apologised after preview clips for the Playboy channel were broadcast on the Kids on Demand children’s channel in North Carolina. Personally I would have been more concerned if it had been the other way round. Italian police have tracked down a mafia boss in Calabria using his network of Facebook friends. Apparently he called himself Scarface after the film character. Must have taken several months for them to unearth his secret identity. A Bosnian ‘Virgin Mary’ claim is to be probed. Surely that defeats the point. A new study suggests women on the pill may live longer. No screaming kids, dependant on you for the next two decades. Hmm, that’s a stumper. Facebook is removing all stalking apps that market themselves as showing you who is viewing your profile. ‘Scarface’ must be sitting in his cell cursing his luck. Two bank robbers dressed as leprechauns have been shot by police in Tennessee. Evidently their pot of gold from shining shoes just wasn’t big enough.

And finally, some Somali pirates got more than they bargained for this week. While cruising the Indian Ocean looking for oil tankers to hijack, they attempted to charge and board the Dutch naval vessel HNLMS Tromp. The vessel fired warning shots as the pirates approached before scrambling a helicopter to round up the three skiffs. Ten men were held on board and later released to one of their boats. Hopefully they will recognise a warship when they see one in future. Until next week, I’m off to rent an Easter bunny costume for my next appointment at the bank.

Chuck Norris didn’t turn 70 on Thursday, he turned 35 twice.

The US Vice-President has heaped criticism on Israel over the building approval for 1000 homes in occupied East Jerusalem. VP Joe Biden, down there trying to kick-start the peace process, demanded the plans be scrapped given the Palestinians want East Jerusalem as their capital, the international community considers it occupied territory upon which it is illegal to build under international law and Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas has refused to re-open talks in light of the dispute. Israel insisted it was a procedural step and not connected to Mr Biden’s visit, which is about as believable as Kevin Spacey’s story about ‘walking his dog’ on Hampstead Heath at 4am. Perhaps the US would have more leverage and appear more neutral if they threatened to cut the $3bn per year they send Israel in military aid.

Public services and transport have ground to a halt in Greece due to a third general strike. Unions say the government’s austerity measures will do more harm than good and put their economy in a deep freeze. The government has sympathised with the public anger but refused to back down. Prime Minister Papandreou, in Washington to butter up President Obama before asking the IMF for help, appealed to the President to crack down on the speculators he says have undermined Greece. A country with $405 billion debt asking for help from one with over $12 trillion is like a teenager with his first hangover asking an alcoholic how to quit drinking.

Seven people have been arrested in Ireland over a plot to kill the Swedish cartoonist who depicted the prophet Mohammed with the body of a dog. Those in custody were refugees from Morocco and Yemen that had gained asylum in Ireland. Muslims regard any image of the Prophet as blasphemy, and militants put a $100k bounty on Lars Vilks’ head back when the controversy arose in 2007. Fear not Mr Vilks, it has to be only a matter of time before the South Park creators put him on the body of a pig, playing lucky Pierre between Satan and Saddam Hussein.

The UK has donated £1m to the South African government to buy condoms ahead of the kissball world cup. Clearly they’re as over-bullish on the chances of English football fans getting action down there as the whole country is over our chances of winning it. A recent study suggests women who drink gain less weight than teetotallers. If they could find them a route home that doesn’t go via Tocade or Pizza Pizza they might be on to something. 235 people have set the record for most kilted skiers on a piste. That just sounds like a challenge to me. Two glass phials said to contain ghosts have been sold at auction in NZ for $2000. Apparently they were the last two people who could remember the Kiwis winning the rugby world cup. Carla Bruni has said there is no way President Pepe Le Pew is cheating on her, amid rumours that both of them are having affairs… so that would be other than the one he had with her while still married to his second wife and the one his second wife had with him while she was married to someone else. As the famous philosopher Chris Rock once said, ‘A man is only as faithful as his options.’

And finally, Sunday is the 14th March which means it’s Steak and Blowjob Day. For the unenlightened, this was created in response to the Clinton Card sponsored abomination that Valentine’s Day has descended into as a simple way to celebrate men and two of the things that will make us most happy. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town or evenings on the sofa talking about feelings. Just a steak and a blowjob. I believe the Danois is doing a steak frites night to take care of the first. How you avail yourself of the second is entirely up to you.

Until next week, I’m off to book a helicopter to the French presidential palace after dinner on Sunday.