The Mountain Echo

Chuck Norris didn’t turn 70 on Thursday, he turned 35 twice.

The US Vice-President has heaped criticism on Israel over the building approval for 1000 homes in occupied East Jerusalem. VP Joe Biden, down there trying to kick-start the peace process, demanded the plans be scrapped given the Palestinians want East Jerusalem as their capital, the international community considers it occupied territory upon which it is illegal to build under international law and Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas has refused to re-open talks in light of the dispute. Israel insisted it was a procedural step and not connected to Mr Biden’s visit, which is about as believable as Kevin Spacey’s story about ‘walking his dog’ on Hampstead Heath at 4am. Perhaps the US would have more leverage and appear more neutral if they threatened to cut the $3bn per year they send Israel in military aid.

Public services and transport have ground to a halt in Greece due to a third general strike. Unions say the government’s austerity measures will do more harm than good and put their economy in a deep freeze. The government has sympathised with the public anger but refused to back down. Prime Minister Papandreou, in Washington to butter up President Obama before asking the IMF for help, appealed to the President to crack down on the speculators he says have undermined Greece. A country with $405 billion debt asking for help from one with over $12 trillion is like a teenager with his first hangover asking an alcoholic how to quit drinking.

Seven people have been arrested in Ireland over a plot to kill the Swedish cartoonist who depicted the prophet Mohammed with the body of a dog. Those in custody were refugees from Morocco and Yemen that had gained asylum in Ireland. Muslims regard any image of the Prophet as blasphemy, and militants put a $100k bounty on Lars Vilks’ head back when the controversy arose in 2007. Fear not Mr Vilks, it has to be only a matter of time before the South Park creators put him on the body of a pig, playing lucky Pierre between Satan and Saddam Hussein.

The UK has donated £1m to the South African government to buy condoms ahead of the kissball world cup. Clearly they’re as over-bullish on the chances of English football fans getting action down there as the whole country is over our chances of winning it. A recent study suggests women who drink gain less weight than teetotallers. If they could find them a route home that doesn’t go via Tocade or Pizza Pizza they might be on to something. 235 people have set the record for most kilted skiers on a piste. That just sounds like a challenge to me. Two glass phials said to contain ghosts have been sold at auction in NZ for $2000. Apparently they were the last two people who could remember the Kiwis winning the rugby world cup. Carla Bruni has said there is no way President Pepe Le Pew is cheating on her, amid rumours that both of them are having affairs… so that would be other than the one he had with her while still married to his second wife and the one his second wife had with him while she was married to someone else. As the famous philosopher Chris Rock once said, ‘A man is only as faithful as his options.’

And finally, Sunday is the 14th March which means it’s Steak and Blowjob Day. For the unenlightened, this was created in response to the Clinton Card sponsored abomination that Valentine’s Day has descended into as a simple way to celebrate men and two of the things that will make us most happy. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town or evenings on the sofa talking about feelings. Just a steak and a blowjob. I believe the Danois is doing a steak frites night to take care of the first. How you avail yourself of the second is entirely up to you.

Until next week, I’m off to book a helicopter to the French presidential palace after dinner on Sunday.

When Laurence J Peter, the US writer, postulated the Peter Principle that ‘in a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence’, he successfully predicted the advent of the credit card call centre within his corollary that every post is eventually occupied by an employee who is incompetent. As I spent 76 minutes of my life that I’m pretty sure I’m not getting back on the line with them, the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I could have been on the phone with the person who writes the signs at Northampton General Hospital where the following sign, presumably erected to offer directions, can be seen, ‘Family planning advice. Use rear entrance’.

An earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter Scale has struck Chile just north of the town of Concepcion. The quake, the largest to hit the country since the record 9.5 rated quake of 1960, has caused widespread damage down the Chilean coast, but far less devastation than that caused by the Haitian quake last month. Responsible are the stricter building regulations in place there because of Chile’s location on the major Pacific fault line called the ‘Ring of Fire’, a title I had previously thought was reserved exclusively for a Johnny Cash song and bathroom trauma the morning after a vindaloo.

Under pressure from the EU, the Greek government has approved a fresh package of tax hikes and spending cuts to ease its budget crisis. The Greek Prime Minister likened the budget problems to a ‘wartime situation’, which is a touch ironic given that’s how Britain and the US normally get out of a recession. The new measures included a freeze in pensions, cuts in public sector pay, a 2% increase in sales tax, rises in taxes on fuel, cigarettes and alcohol and rises in taxes on luxury goods… sounds like a standard UK, Comrade Brown budget to me.

President Obama has urged Congress to vote by simple majority on healthcare reform, as he continues to try and overhaul the US system, by approving a $950bn package to cover uninsured Americans and lower premia. Republicans are opposing the plan, which may force the Democrats to force it through Congress using a legislative technique called ‘reconciliation’ to get around them losing their supermajority following the death of Teddy Kennedy. The package is less than one tenth of the US defence budget.

Sequined gowns and pantomime classics worn by the late drag artist Danny LaRue are to be auctioned. The V&A museum has already bought four, Eddie Izzard must have his eye on a couple and, let’s face it, Lady GaGa needs something to wear to the Oscars. Energy and Climate change secretary Edward Miliband has had his Twitter account hacked, posting the message, ‘I’ve been having better sex and longer with this here’ followed by a link to an online ‘pharmacy’. Scientists have discovered a dinosaur-like creature 10 million years older than the previous earliest known examples. Named Asilisaurus kongwe, it lived around 245 million years ago during the middle Triassic period, leading to surprise from some that it had not been named Joanus Riversus. A new scan to identify people by their noses could help root out criminals. Apparently there are six main nose types: Roman, Greek, Nubian, hawk, snub and turn-up, known collectively as the Michael Jackson collection.

And finally, US officials are investigating how a child was allowed to direct planes at New York’s JFK airport. The boy, the son of a certified air traffic controller, had apparently been brought to work by his father during half term week. The pilots seemed unconcerned to be receiving instructions from a minor. As Groucho Marx said, ‘A child of five would understand this. Someone fetch me a child of five.’ Until next week, I’m off to sign up for the Energy Secretary’s Twitter updates.

It was December 31st 2004. My attempt at a New Year party having failed, four ski trip friends and I took all the booze we could carry up the road to where two younger friends from Lourdes were having a party. In true Val d’Isère style, we proceeded to drink every challenger under the table, create utter mayhem and garnered our friends an official complaint from the building and an eventual eviction for bad behaviour. How was I to know that five years later one of them would win the BAFTA for best actress.

More problems for Comrade Brown, as stories emerged from a recent book of members of the Downing Street staff being grabbed by the lapels, shoved aside and being shouted at by the Prime Minister. This follows another story in Observer alleging that the head of the civil service, Sir Gus O’Donnell, was so concerned he had a word with Gordon. Lord Mandelson has defended the PM, saying he gets angry, but angrier with himself than anyone else. On the basis of the latest opinion polls, that makes him and 67% of the country.

Argentina has escalated a dispute over UK oil exploration in waters surrounding the Falklands Islands. Having secured backing from South American and Caribbean nations for their sovereignty claims to ‘Las Malvinas’, the UK government, fully supported by the Conservatives, issued a ‘note verbale’ to the Argentinian representative in London rejecting their claims. While disputing British sovereignty of the islands, they have ruled out military action and instead decided to run to teacher and ask the UN for support. Best of luck with that.

Western diplomats have expressed concern at Afghan President Hamid Karzai passing a law granting him control over the Electoral Complaints Commission there. This comes after the
Western Forces that overthrew the Taliban backed him financially and with military force as the president of the new Afghanistan. Apparently no-one remembers back to 1980, the last time the West supported a new leader in the Middle East with cash and arms, ending up with them all having to club together to liberate Kuwait.

An Austrian monastery is offering the chance to be a monk for the weekend. The order of Franciscan nuns offering an introduction to the ‘sisterhood’ sounds more appealing to me, especially if it’s in a Castle Anthrax from Monty Python and the Holy Grail way. Venezuelan and Colombian presidents Chavez and Uribe have clashed at a Latin American summit, Uribe telling Chavez to ‘be a man’ and Chavez responding ‘go to Hell’. President Felipe Calderon of host country Mexico demanded that they ‘respect his authoritah’ and sort out their differences respectfully. They were last seen headed for the urinals to measure up. The head of the German protestant church, Bishop Margot Kaessmann, has resigned after
being caught running a red light while three times over the limit. If she’d only been Catholic, she could have just claimed she’d only been drinking the blood of Christ, the first ever victory for transubstantiation over consubstantiation. A Scottish company, Mountain Unity, has begun promoting climbing tours to the north-east of Afghanistan. They said they have already received some promising enquiries from one O. Bin-Laden, though he failed to enclose a return postal address.

And finally, the fossilised remains of a giant clam-eating shark have been unearthed in Kansas. No relative of Dan Hartley, the fish (Ptychodus mortoni) lived around 89 million years ago and measured 10m in length. Peter Andre was said to have been distraught that his Guinness World Record has been beaten until the difference between biggest clam eater and eater of the biggest clam was explained to him. Until next week, I’m off to sell my story to the Daily Mail in exchange for Cheryl Cole’s phone number.