The historic US healthcare reform bill has passed the first hurdle in the House of Representatives by a majority of 219 to 212. It extends health coverage to 32 million more Americans. The bill still needs to get past a US Senate that is half full of Republicans, which will be tricky if 34 Democrats from the House of Representatives voting against their own party is any portent of the mood in the Senate. Markets reacted predictably badly to this latest bout of free spending from the US. Two year treasury notes sold by the US Treasury yielded 3.5 basis points more than a similar security sold by billionaire investor Warren Buffet’s company, Berkshire Hathaway. Basically, the public is saying it’s safer to lend money to Buffett than Barack Obama.

China has condemned Google’s decision to remove results censorship from its Chinese site. The US giant is redirecting users to its site in Hong Kong, though Chinese firewalls still censor results. Google is withdrawing after an alleged cyber attack, initiated inside China, on human rights activists’ email accounts. Censorship of the internet is the norm in China to prevent discussion of events like Tiananmen Square and the exile of the Dalai Lama. Sites such as youtube and Wikipedia are also blocked, together with offensive images and pornography. Doesn’t leave an awful lot left by my reckoning.

Hugo Chavez has extended the Easter holiday in Venezuela by three days to deal with the country’s electricity crisis. A drought has left water levels at the country’s main hydroelectric dam at critical levels. Irrespective of its oil reserves, Venezuela is still dependant on hydroelectricity for 70% of the country’s power needs. I’m not sure that I’d find a free week’s holiday that effective a disincentive for me to unplug my hair straighteners if I lived in Caracas.

An Icelandic volcano that has lain dormant for 200 years has erupted, sending lava 100m high. After that kind of dry spell, I’m not surprised. A nineteen year old Italian woman who hired two assassins to murder her father, paid for with money she’d borrowed off him, was arrested after the second hit man changed his mind and confessed to police. If you can’t trust a contract killer, who can you trust. Two men, who called a bank in Connecticut ten minutes before they arrived to tell them to have a bag of money ready as they were going to rob the place, were surprised to find police waiting for them on arrival. Nice to see that stereotype about Americans being jaw-droppingly stupid disproved. The Indian military is developing stun grenades using the bhut jolokia, or ‘ghost’ chilli. The chilli, at over 1m Scoville units, is around 10-15 times spicier than the nearest rival. As a rough guide, Tabasco sauce rates around 5000 on the same scale. Just a hunch, but I think they might be quite effective. Scientists from Cornell University have discovered that the meal in paintings of the Last Supper have been super-sized over the years. Studying 52 portraits over seven centuries, the team concluded that the meal and plates had grown by roughly two thirds. Attempts to similarly increase the Apostles girth in line were abandoned when the resultant image of Jesus looked almost exactly like Santa Claus.

And finally, the voice of boxing, Harry Carpenter, died this week at the age of 84. Remembered by British sports fans for commentary on some of Muhammad Ali’s most famous fights, the Rumble in the Jungle and the Thrilla in Manila, as well as for his close relationship with Frank Bruno, he’s also responsible for one of the biggest commentating gaffes in sporting history. Just after Oxford had won the 1977 Boat Race, as the crews awaited the presentation on the bank, Carpenter observed, “Ah isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew”. Until next week, I’m off to block up all the tributaries to Lake Geneva.

The EU has criticized the UK and other European nations for having optimistic growth projections and excessive debt. UK deficit is 12.6% of GDP, a shade worse than Greece, and projected to be at 4.7% by 2015, missing the EU’s target of 3%. Spain also took a pasting in the report for unrealistic economic targets to reduce their debt from the 11.4% it currently stands at. Amid all this, Chancellor Merkel has stated that there should be a procedure in place to exclude a member from the eurozone if required. Barack Obama would have more chance of getting into the Ku-Klux Klan than the UK would have of getting into the Euro at the moment, but while Greece has responded by saying there is zero chance of them leaving, I’d be more worried if her comments referred to Germany and France. If they abandoned the single currency, the resultant Mediterranean peso would be about as worthless as a Tiger Woods marriage vow.

British Airways cabin crew are scheduled to strike this weekend through till the 23rd March and again for four days from the 27th. BA said it intends to operate some 70% of its flights during the first strike with only domestic and some short haul journeys affected. Comrade Brown has declared the strike unjustified and deplorable, David Cameron has decried his efforts to avert the strike as ‘feeble’ given the close links between the Labour Party and the Unite union and, as per usual, no-one cares what the Liberal Democrats had to say.

Nigerian acting President Goodluck Jonathan has dissolved the country’s cabinet in his most significant move since assuming power in Feb due to the health problems of President Yar’Adua. Mr Jonathan has been dealing with the continued campaign of violence and disruption by the MEND group in the oil rich Niger delta, as well as the communal violence that has sprung up between Christian and Muslim groups in the city of Jos, which has already resulted in hundreds of deaths. Having asked his mirror, mirror on the wall ‘who has had the toughest month of all’ he emerged and asked his remaining advisors, ‘who the hell is John Terry?’

Time Warner bosses have apologised after preview clips for the Playboy channel were broadcast on the Kids on Demand children’s channel in North Carolina. Personally I would have been more concerned if it had been the other way round. Italian police have tracked down a mafia boss in Calabria using his network of Facebook friends. Apparently he called himself Scarface after the film character. Must have taken several months for them to unearth his secret identity. A Bosnian ‘Virgin Mary’ claim is to be probed. Surely that defeats the point. A new study suggests women on the pill may live longer. No screaming kids, dependant on you for the next two decades. Hmm, that’s a stumper. Facebook is removing all stalking apps that market themselves as showing you who is viewing your profile. ‘Scarface’ must be sitting in his cell cursing his luck. Two bank robbers dressed as leprechauns have been shot by police in Tennessee. Evidently their pot of gold from shining shoes just wasn’t big enough.

And finally, some Somali pirates got more than they bargained for this week. While cruising the Indian Ocean looking for oil tankers to hijack, they attempted to charge and board the Dutch naval vessel HNLMS Tromp. The vessel fired warning shots as the pirates approached before scrambling a helicopter to round up the three skiffs. Ten men were held on board and later released to one of their boats. Hopefully they will recognise a warship when they see one in future. Until next week, I’m off to rent an Easter bunny costume for my next appointment at the bank.

The US Vice-President has heaped criticism on Israel over the building approval for 1000 homes in occupied East Jerusalem. VP Joe Biden, down there trying to kick-start the peace process, demanded the plans be scrapped given the Palestinians want East Jerusalem as their capital, the international community considers it occupied territory upon which it is illegal to build under international law and Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas has refused to re-open talks in light of the dispute. Israel insisted it was a procedural step and not connected to Mr Biden’s visit, which is about as believable as Kevin Spacey’s story about ‘walking his dog’ on Hampstead Heath at 4am. Perhaps the US would have more leverage and appear more neutral if they threatened to cut the $3bn per year they send Israel in military aid.

Public services and transport have ground to a halt in Greece due to a third general strike. Unions say the government’s austerity measures will do more harm than good and put their economy in a deep freeze. The government has sympathised with the public anger but refused to back down. Prime Minister Papandreou, in Washington to butter up President Obama before asking the IMF for help, appealed to the President to crack down on the speculators he says have undermined Greece. A country with $405 billion debt asking for help from one with over $12 trillion is like a teenager with his first hangover asking an alcoholic how to quit drinking.

Seven people have been arrested in Ireland over a plot to kill the Swedish cartoonist who depicted the prophet Mohammed with the body of a dog. Those in custody were refugees from Morocco and Yemen that had gained asylum in Ireland. Muslims regard any image of the Prophet as blasphemy, and militants put a $100k bounty on Lars Vilks’ head back when the controversy arose in 2007. Fear not Mr Vilks, it has to be only a matter of time before the South Park creators put him on the body of a pig, playing lucky Pierre between Satan and Saddam Hussein.

The UK has donated £1m to the South African government to buy condoms ahead of the kissball world cup. Clearly they’re as over-bullish on the chances of English football fans getting action down there as the whole country is over our chances of winning it. A recent study suggests women who drink gain less weight than teetotallers. If they could find them a route home that doesn’t go via Tocade or Pizza Pizza they might be on to something. 235 people have set the record for most kilted skiers on a piste. That just sounds like a challenge to me. Two glass phials said to contain ghosts have been sold at auction in NZ for $2000. Apparently they were the last two people who could remember the Kiwis winning the rugby world cup. Carla Bruni has said there is no way President Pepe Le Pew is cheating on her, amid rumours that both of them are having affairs… so that would be other than the one he had with her while still married to his second wife and the one his second wife had with him while she was married to someone else. As the famous philosopher Chris Rock once said, ‘A man is only as faithful as his options.’

And finally, Sunday is the 14th March which means it’s Steak and Blowjob Day. For the unenlightened, this was created in response to the Clinton Card sponsored abomination that Valentine’s Day has descended into as a simple way to celebrate men and two of the things that will make us most happy. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town or evenings on the sofa talking about feelings. Just a steak and a blowjob. I believe the Danois is doing a steak frites night to take care of the first. How you avail yourself of the second is entirely up to you.

Until next week, I’m off to book a helicopter to the French presidential palace after dinner on Sunday.

An earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter Scale has struck Chile just north of the town of Concepcion. The quake, the largest to hit the country since the record 9.5 rated quake of 1960, has caused widespread damage down the Chilean coast, but far less devastation than that caused by the Haitian quake last month. Responsible are the stricter building regulations in place there because of Chile’s location on the major Pacific fault line called the ‘Ring of Fire’, a title I had previously thought was reserved exclusively for a Johnny Cash song and bathroom trauma the morning after a vindaloo.

Under pressure from the EU, the Greek government has approved a fresh package of tax hikes and spending cuts to ease its budget crisis. The Greek Prime Minister likened the budget problems to a ‘wartime situation’, which is a touch ironic given that’s how Britain and the US normally get out of a recession. The new measures included a freeze in pensions, cuts in public sector pay, a 2% increase in sales tax, rises in taxes on fuel, cigarettes and alcohol and rises in taxes on luxury goods… sounds like a standard UK, Comrade Brown budget to me.

President Obama has urged Congress to vote by simple majority on healthcare reform, as he continues to try and overhaul the US system, by approving a $950bn package to cover uninsured Americans and lower premia. Republicans are opposing the plan, which may force the Democrats to force it through Congress using a legislative technique called ‘reconciliation’ to get around them losing their supermajority following the death of Teddy Kennedy. The package is less than one tenth of the US defence budget.

Sequined gowns and pantomime classics worn by the late drag artist Danny LaRue are to be auctioned. The V&A museum has already bought four, Eddie Izzard must have his eye on a couple and, let’s face it, Lady GaGa needs something to wear to the Oscars. Energy and Climate change secretary Edward Miliband has had his Twitter account hacked, posting the message, ‘I’ve been having better sex and longer with this here’ followed by a link to an online ‘pharmacy’. Scientists have discovered a dinosaur-like creature 10 million years older than the previous earliest known examples. Named Asilisaurus kongwe, it lived around 245 million years ago during the middle Triassic period, leading to surprise from some that it had not been named Joanus Riversus. A new scan to identify people by their noses could help root out criminals. Apparently there are six main nose types: Roman, Greek, Nubian, hawk, snub and turn-up, known collectively as the Michael Jackson collection.

And finally, US officials are investigating how a child was allowed to direct planes at New York’s JFK airport. The boy, the son of a certified air traffic controller, had apparently been brought to work by his father during half term week. The pilots seemed unconcerned to be receiving instructions from a minor. As Groucho Marx said, ‘A child of five would understand this. Someone fetch me a child of five.’ Until next week, I’m off to sign up for the Energy Secretary’s Twitter updates.

More problems for Comrade Brown, as stories emerged from a recent book of members of the Downing Street staff being grabbed by the lapels, shoved aside and being shouted at by the Prime Minister. This follows another story in Observer alleging that the head of the civil service, Sir Gus O’Donnell, was so concerned he had a word with Gordon. Lord Mandelson has defended the PM, saying he gets angry, but angrier with himself than anyone else. On the basis of the latest opinion polls, that makes him and 67% of the country.

Argentina has escalated a dispute over UK oil exploration in waters surrounding the Falklands Islands. Having secured backing from South American and Caribbean nations for their sovereignty claims to ‘Las Malvinas’, the UK government, fully supported by the Conservatives, issued a ‘note verbale’ to the Argentinian representative in London rejecting their claims. While disputing British sovereignty of the islands, they have ruled out military action and instead decided to run to teacher and ask the UN for support. Best of luck with that.

Western diplomats have expressed concern at Afghan President Hamid Karzai passing a law granting him control over the Electoral Complaints Commission there. This comes after the
Western Forces that overthrew the Taliban backed him financially and with military force as the president of the new Afghanistan. Apparently no-one remembers back to 1980, the last time the West supported a new leader in the Middle East with cash and arms, ending up with them all having to club together to liberate Kuwait.

An Austrian monastery is offering the chance to be a monk for the weekend. The order of Franciscan nuns offering an introduction to the ‘sisterhood’ sounds more appealing to me, especially if it’s in a Castle Anthrax from Monty Python and the Holy Grail way. Venezuelan and Colombian presidents Chavez and Uribe have clashed at a Latin American summit, Uribe telling Chavez to ‘be a man’ and Chavez responding ‘go to Hell’. President Felipe Calderon of host country Mexico demanded that they ‘respect his authoritah’ and sort out their differences respectfully. They were last seen headed for the urinals to measure up. The head of the German protestant church, Bishop Margot Kaessmann, has resigned after
being caught running a red light while three times over the limit. If she’d only been Catholic, she could have just claimed she’d only been drinking the blood of Christ, the first ever victory for transubstantiation over consubstantiation. A Scottish company, Mountain Unity, has begun promoting climbing tours to the north-east of Afghanistan. They said they have already received some promising enquiries from one O. Bin-Laden, though he failed to enclose a return postal address.

And finally, the fossilised remains of a giant clam-eating shark have been unearthed in Kansas. No relative of Dan Hartley, the fish (Ptychodus mortoni) lived around 89 million years ago and measured 10m in length. Peter Andre was said to have been distraught that his Guinness World Record has been beaten until the difference between biggest clam eater and eater of the biggest clam was explained to him. Until next week, I’m off to sell my story to the Daily Mail in exchange for Cheryl Cole’s phone number.

Comrade Brown has demanded an enquiry into how fraudulent British passports were allegedly used by the killers of Hamas leader Mahmoud al-Mabhouh. Six British Israelis say they had nothing to do with the murder, after their names and photos they maintain are not them were listed by the Dubai police in connection with the incident. Three Irish, one German and one French passport were also used to gain entry to Dubai in order to carry out the assassination, rumoured to be the work of Israeli intelligence agency Mossad. Israel’s foreign minister has refused to issue a formal denial in line with their ‘policy of ambiguity’ on security matters; the same policy used by Lady Gaga on gender matters.

President Obama has approved $8bn in federal loan guarantees to build the first two new nuclear power plants in the US since the Three Mile Island accident in 1979. Both plants are to be located in Georgia and built by energy firm Southern Company. Before you ask, yes there is a town called Springfield in Georgia, no it’s not near either site and the CEO of Southern Company is called David Ratcliffe, not Montgomery Burns.

The US has also made headlines by appointing its first ambassador to Syria since the assassination of PM Rafik Hariri in 2005, possibly green-lighting the removal of sanctions imposed in 2004 due to Syrian support for the Lebanese militant group Hezbollah. The move to improve US-Syrian relations is seen as a request for their help in stabilising the situation in Iraq and influencing Iran’s continued nuclear ambitions.

An inquest into the suicide of gay fashion designer Alexander McQueen has heard that he hanged himself in his closet. You couldn’t make it up. John Prescott said that his cameo on Gavin and Stacey has done more for his profile than 40 years in politics. Strange that no-one remembers him holding Princess Leia as his slave in Return of the Jedi. A Dubai student has been apprehended after racking up over $97k in traffic violations. He was forced to pay 70% of the fines immediately, or 10% more than Dubai World are proposing to offer their creditors. According to a University of Kentucky survey, men need better fitting condoms. Wonder how they’ll vanity size those. Colossus, super colossus and jumbo perhaps? The Houses of Parliament have been approved as a wedding venue to members of the public. It will mark the first time anyone has entered the building with honest intentions since Guy Fawkes.

And finally, those BrewDog boys are at it again. After the release of their 32.8% beer Tactical Nuclear Penguin (Echo News, issue 1), a German brewer, Schorschbrau, released the 40% strength Schorschbock. They have responded by bringing out the 41% Sink the Bismarck. I love their style, have purchased a bottle of it and TNP, will be drinking them somewhere in Val over Easter and accept bribery over the location and company in the form of cash, credit card or (female) full frontal nudity. Until next week, I’m off to clear a nice, high spot on the liver transplant list.

Iran has stepped up their nuclear enrichment programme. 20% enriched uranium is being made for use in a medical reactor, a bit of a volte-face after last week’s announcement that they would be happy to have further enrichment done abroad. The move has been greeted with disappointment by world leaders. President Obama has said the US and its allies are close to implementing a significant regime of sanctions against Iran. As if having to sell their oil in US dollars wasn’t punishment enough.

A series of avalanches on the Salang Pass north of Kabul have killed at least 165 people. More than two dozen avalanches have hit the pass since Monday, with 2.1 miles of road still blocked. 2500 people have been rescued but fears remain that more may be buried. 17 soldiers were also killed in Indian administered Kashmir after an avalanche hit a military training camp there. Anyone need further encouragement to check the Snowpack Report in the morning?

Sarah Palin has been caught reading from crib notes written on her hand while giving a speech. The words ‘energy’, ‘budget cuts’, ‘tax’ and ‘lift American’s spirits’ were scribbled on her palm, with the word budget crossed out. The blunder occurred at the first annual Tea Party conference, a movement promoting conservative values which Ms Palin allegedly received $100,000 to speak at. Rather than describing President Obama as ‘a charismatic guy with a teleprompter’ in her speech, it might have been wiser to adopt a ‘you couldn’t beat him, so join him’ attitude and consider using one.

An Australian sword swallower has set a record with 18 blades. Gillette are distraught at someone stealing the idea for their latest razor. Three crates of polar explorer Ernest Shakleton’s whisky have been dug up from the ice beneath his hut in the Antarctic. Even at the beginning of last century they knew that whisky with ice might as well have a Flake in it. A Scottish pensioner has
achieved judo’s highest rank. George Kerr, 72, has received a 10th Dan black belt. Plans for a TV series about his life were scrapped under threat of legal action from the makers of Supergran. Michelle Obama is to tackle child obesity head on. Personally I’d recommend taking it from the side at just the right angle to lock the ball up at the same time. A Saudi Arabian court has upheld a sentence of five years in jail and 1000 lashes for a man who boasted about his sex life on TV. Mazen Abdul Jawad spoke about picking up women before he was married and displaying sex toys on camera on a show called Red Lines. If only he was into S&M the punishment might have fit the crime.

And finally, a Spanish language version of South Park has been pulled moments before being broadcast in Mexico. The episode, ‘Pinewood Derby’, was apparently withdrawn because MTV had not obtained the required permit to broadcast an image of the Mexican flag and nothing to do with the episode portraying a Mexican president, who bears a striking resemblance to Felipe Calderon, as a leader who wastes funds and irritates the international community. In a statement about the incident, president Calderon called for people to ‘respect his authoritah’. Until next week, I’m off to post an ad about Jordan’s sexual exploits in a Riyadh newspaper.

US relations with China continue to be strained after President Obama promised to put constant pressure on Beijing to stick to their side of trade agreements. Adding to reports of Chinese attacks on US websites and a proposed visit to the US by the Dalai Lama, the Chinese foreign ministry has responded to these latest statements as wrongful accusations. They also said the Chinese yuan was at a reasonable level versus the US dollar, in spite of the mounting trade deficit, currently $22bn, between the two countries.

Greece is to face European Commission economic scrutiny as their national debt continues to spiral out of control. Their proposals to reduce it over the next three years have been endorsed, but should they fail to meet these targets they risk being thrown out of the Euro. Hope they still have those drachma printing presses in storage as their budget deficit, currently 12.7% of GDP, is four times higher than Eurozone rules. Incidentally, the UK is leading them with 13% but fear not, Comrade Brown will lead us out of recession 0.1 of a percent at a time.

Michael Jackson’s doctor is expected to be charged with involuntary manslaughter. Dr. Conrad Murray has said he is happy to surrender to authorities in LA and maintains that he did not prescribe the star anything that would have killed him. If you’re dealing with someone who refers to wine as ‘Jesus juice’ and gives it to children, he shouldn’t even have access to Haliborange Baby & Toddler.

Toyota shares are plunging over a possible car recall and problem with its Prius model, or the smugmobile as it’s more commonly known. Piers Morgan is to interview Gordon Brown. Given it’s to be broadcast on Valentine’s Day, I can only hope it’ll be a radio interview. Stevie Wonder is in talks with the Glastonbury festival about headlining Sunday night. It’s not like they can write him a letter. A farmer has lost a bid to keep a castle he built and kept hidden behind straw bales for over four years. Apparently the local authorities were alerted after a traumatised wolf was unable to huff and puff and blow it down. An iMussolini app has been withdrawn; backwards, I presume. An Indonesian man has been awarded £335 in compensation after a cigarette he was smoking exploded, taking out six of his teeth. Andi Susanto, 31, was said to have been surprised in spite of the warning on the packet clearly stating that smoking can seriously damage your health. A camel racing fanatic, Hamdan Bin Ghanim al-Falahi, has spent £4m on three camels at an auction near Abu Dhabi. The annual week-long festival includes a camel beauty contest and competitions to find the best camel meat and milk. I have no response to that.

And finally, a banker in Australia has been caught looking at semi-nude photos at work by a camera crew. David Kiely, from Macquarie Bank in Sydney, was seen in the background of a report on Australian interest rates accessing pictures of a recent GQ shoot featuring Orlando Bloom’s girlfriend, Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr. The bank have subsequently emailed the bank’s 11,500 staff a copy of their internet policy to ‘familiarise themselves with’. That’s provided they haven’t already gone blind of course. Until next week, I’m off to erase my search history.

Chemical Ali has been hanged in Iraq. One of Saddam Husseins chief aids, Ali Hassad al-Majid, was responsible for the chemical weapons programme and the alleged gas attack on Halabja in 1988, which decimated the Kurdish population more than Winston Churchill and the Royal Flying Corps ever managed. Former French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin has been cleared of trying to smear President Pepe le Pew when the two were jostling for power back in 2004. Given he resembles his own Spitting Image puppet I’m sure the court ruled that most things werefair game. France has caused controversy this week by making preparations to ban the Burqa in public. Muslim women worldwide are outraged that a fundamental symbol of their symbolic fundamentalism might force them to stop shopping at Primark. In other news, shares in Maybelline, Rimmel and Max Factor have soared. The Southern Sky Column in Zhangjiajie, Hunan province in China will now be known as the Avatar Hallelujah Mountain due to its similarity to the imaginary world Pandora in the movie. Dances with Smurfs Mountain had already been taken. Economy beds on Air NZ are to be offered with a raised footrest installed for people prepared to buy three seats together. Known as the Skycouch, is it just me or are they just admitting anyone to the Mile High Club these days. Novelist JD Salinger has died. A recluse for the forty years since he published his most famous work, Catcher in the Rye, otherwise known as the scourge of GCSE English students, why couldn’t Michael Jackson have followed his example.

And finally, there’s a Facebook campaign against an AQA Biology paper for having unfair questions. It’s not enough that they’re giving away A grades these days, but to find the equivalent of the captain of
rugby and his mates doltishly protesting when they couldn’t get past the name section ofthe paper is probably taking it too far. Until next week I’m off to… what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas

Republican Scott Brown has won a shock victory in the Massachusetts Senate election. Mr Brown, a former male model, overturned a double digit deficit to record victory in a state where Democrat Edward Kennedy had held the US Senate seat for almost half a century. The result is a big blow to President Obama’s healthcare reforms, as he has now lost his filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. He was allegedly said to be more concerned about ridiculously good looking Mr Brown’s victory over ‘face like a blind cobbler’s thumb’ Democratic candidate Martha Coakley green lighting Derek Zoolander’s candidacy for the White House in 2012.

Japan Airlines, Asia’s biggest air carrier, has filed for bankruptcy protection. Various rescue packages have been pledged by the state, but shares are to be delisted and over 15,000 jobs are to be cut. Koichi Ogawa from Daiwa Investments said, ‘This shows that nothing is too big to fail.’, as anyone who has seen one of John Holmes later pornographic movies will attest.

Prince William has been visiting Australia, following his appointment to open New Zealand’s Supreme Court as his first official act representing the Queen. Addressing an audience
in the Botanic Gardens in Sydney, the Prince said he had been desperate to visit Australia. He’d been lambasted for not having spent any time there by his brother, who he jokingly referred to as ‘the ginger one’. Better that than saying James Hewitt’s one I suppose.

The South Korean Ministry of Health has instigated a policy to turn their building lights off at 7pm one Wednesday a month, encouraging workers to go home and have sex to boost the birth rate, currently one of the planet’s lowest. They’d be better off ridding the country of wedding cake, since it’s been statistically proven to reduce women’s sex drive by 95%. The remains of one of England’s earliest queens, Eagdyth, have been found in a German cathedral. Married to Otto I, their descendants ruled Germany for many years. Yet more evidence that the European Royal lineage looks more like a stump than a family tree. An industrial dispute in Belgium is threatening the supply of Stella Artois. Wives all over the world are breathing a sigh of relief. The winner of the Wildlife Photographer of the Year award has been disqualified after judges ruled that the wolf in the photo was probably a trained model. A spokesman from the model’s union, one Mr. Zoolander, was said to be outraged and considering running for President.

And finally, the owner of one of the most recognisable voices in world sport, Bill McLaren the voice of rugby, died this week aged 86. Famous for his unusual turns of phrase, uttered in his distinctive Scottish tones, my favourite has to be his comment on Jonah Lomu, “I’m no hod carrier but I would be laying bricks if he was running at me.” Until next week, I’m off to apply for my South Korean residency visa.

Amid calls for private correspondence between President Bush and Tony Blair to be made public, the former Prime Minister’s spin doctor, Alistair Campbell, has defended ‘every word’ of the 2002 dossier on Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction to the UK’s Iraq War enquiry. He admitted parts could have been clearer, but insisted it did not misrepresent Iraq’s threat. Pure coincidence then, that he was press officer on the 2005 British Lions tour when our entire team magically disappeared as well.

An earthquake, measuring 7.0 on the Richter Scale, has struck just off the coast of Haiti. Hundreds of thousands are feared dead with billions of dollars of damage after the worst quake to strike the island since the days of Jack Sparrow. International Aid Agencies and governments have already pledged millions of dollars in search and rescue teams and supplies. The island, the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, hasn’t been short on natural disasters to contend with, as several hurricanes have devastated their half of Hispaniola in recent years.

Northern Ireland First Minister Peter Robinson has been forced to step aside for six weeks after the storm over his wife’s affair, subsequent attempted suicide and finances. Iris Robinson, 60 and married to the First Minister for nearly thirty years, had been having an affair with Kirk McCambley, 19. She attempted to take her own life last March after confessing to her husband. Rumours abound that she also slept with Kirk’s father, Billy. She had also encouraged property developer friends to loan her lover £50,000 to build a cafe called the Lock Keeper’s Inn. In the end, he resorted to faking testicular cancer to try and finish the affair when she got too obsessive; extreme perhaps, but still better than sitting down to have the break-up chat.

A Swiss millionaire has been fined £180k for doing 87 km/h over the speed limit through a village in his Ferrari. The fine was calculated based on the man’s wealth, assessed at £14.1m, and his status as a repeat offender. Might explain why people there drive like they died sometime last week when I’m trying to get home. UK experts have said that carrying extra weight around your hips, bum and thighs is good for your health. By season end, Val d’Isere should have some of the healthiest girls in the world. Sarah Palin has signed with the Fox Network. No idea whether that’s real news or just a cheap piece of sexual innuendo. Adult movie star Ron Jeremy has suggested that violent video games are worse than porn. If you’re using them for what most of us use them for then, war fetishists set aside, I’d have to agree. China’s one child policy is causing a gender imbalance, with parents’ desire for male heirs resulting in 119 male children being born for every 100 female. If they’re trying to set some sort of record for the world’s biggest sausage fest, someone should tell them that Alpine ski resorts have got them beaten, hands down.

And finally, two men in West Lothian have been charged with reckless conduct after their car, which they had been driving down a frozen canal near Winchburgh, plunged though the ice into the freezing water. Harold and Kumar were not available for comment. Until next week, I’m off to see if there’s a Testarossa going cheap in the classifieds.

Labour MPs Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt have submitted a letter calling for a secret ballot on Gordon Brown’s leadership. The move comes amid the run-up to the General Election later this year, with the prospect of toppling a leader this close to one almost unheard of. The Tories and Lib Dems have both called for an early election, but Labour ministers have been lining up behind Mr Brown. Then again, you have to be 100% behind someone to stab them in the back. Mr Hoon and Ms Hewitt denied that Gordon being voted GQ’s Worst Dressed Man of the Year had anything to do with the letter, even if beating Russell Brand into second place was his most impressive polling result of the past twelve months.

Iceland’s leader has refused to authorise the repayment to the UK and Netherlands of £3.1bn lost by investors when their banks collapsed. President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson has instead referred the decision to a public referendum, with a reported 70% likely to vote ‘no’. Prime Minister Johanna Sigurdardottir has expressed concern that the move could further tarnish Iceland’s image abroad. Whether that was referring to our erstwhile opponent in the Cod Wars now threatening non-payment of their debts, or the pikey-popular supermarket you’d only be thanking God if your mum hadn’t gone to, was not made clear.

An extra bank holiday has been scheduled in 2012 to mark the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. The second May bank holiday will also be moved to create a four day weekend; £79 million in civil list payments since the last one in 2002, cheap at the price. Revellers at the Tan Hill Inn in Yorkshire, the highest pub in Britain, got more of a lock-in than they planned at New Year, after heavy snow left them stranded for three days. If only we could organise something like that at the Folie. A hacker has changed Jose Luis Zapatero’s picture on Spain’s EU Presidency website to a photo of Mr Bean with the caption, ‘Hi there’ greeting visitors. The Spanish PM has over double the UK’s rate of unemployment to deal with, but at least his own MPs aren’t trying to oust him and, unlike President Pepe le Pew, he doesn’t have to wake up in a cold sweat late at night, go look himself in the mirror and wonder if he’s as good in bed as Mick Jagger. Recently single Andy Murray and Laura Robson are on the verge of making the final of the Hopman Cup in Perth. The event, a rare one with teams playing two singles and a mixed doubles match is taking place a mere two weeks before Ms Robson will be legally allowed to participate in ‘mixed doubles’ off the court; hands off till then, Andy.

And finally, drug smugglers failed to remove almost 80kg of cocaine stashed in banana shipments from Ecuador and the Ivory Coast before they were dispatched to a Spanish supermarket chain’s shelves. A spokesman for the National Health Institute wouldn’t be drawn on whether the drugs, sat under the bananas in the fruit and veg section, counted as one of your five a day, or should just be regarded as a supplement. He simply smiled slightly goofily and, in a strange voice, said, ‘Hi there.’ Until next week, I’m off to try and get a flight into the UK. I may be some time.