The Mountain Echo

When Laurence J Peter, the US writer, postulated the Peter Principle that ‘in a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence’, he successfully predicted the advent of the credit card call centre within his corollary that every post is eventually occupied by an employee who is incompetent. As I spent 76 minutes of my life that I’m pretty sure I’m not getting back on the line with them, the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I could have been on the phone with the person who writes the signs at Northampton General Hospital where the following sign, presumably erected to offer directions, can be seen, ‘Family planning advice. Use rear entrance’.

An earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter Scale has struck Chile just north of the town of Concepcion. The quake, the largest to hit the country since the record 9.5 rated quake of 1960, has caused widespread damage down the Chilean coast, but far less devastation than that caused by the Haitian quake last month. Responsible are the stricter building regulations in place there because of Chile’s location on the major Pacific fault line called the ‘Ring of Fire’, a title I had previously thought was reserved exclusively for a Johnny Cash song and bathroom trauma the morning after a vindaloo.

Under pressure from the EU, the Greek government has approved a fresh package of tax hikes and spending cuts to ease its budget crisis. The Greek Prime Minister likened the budget problems to a ‘wartime situation’, which is a touch ironic given that’s how Britain and the US normally get out of a recession. The new measures included a freeze in pensions, cuts in public sector pay, a 2% increase in sales tax, rises in taxes on fuel, cigarettes and alcohol and rises in taxes on luxury goods… sounds like a standard UK, Comrade Brown budget to me.

President Obama has urged Congress to vote by simple majority on healthcare reform, as he continues to try and overhaul the US system, by approving a $950bn package to cover uninsured Americans and lower premia. Republicans are opposing the plan, which may force the Democrats to force it through Congress using a legislative technique called ‘reconciliation’ to get around them losing their supermajority following the death of Teddy Kennedy. The package is less than one tenth of the US defence budget.

Sequined gowns and pantomime classics worn by the late drag artist Danny LaRue are to be auctioned. The V&A museum has already bought four, Eddie Izzard must have his eye on a couple and, let’s face it, Lady GaGa needs something to wear to the Oscars. Energy and Climate change secretary Edward Miliband has had his Twitter account hacked, posting the message, ‘I’ve been having better sex and longer with this here’ followed by a link to an online ‘pharmacy’. Scientists have discovered a dinosaur-like creature 10 million years older than the previous earliest known examples. Named Asilisaurus kongwe, it lived around 245 million years ago during the middle Triassic period, leading to surprise from some that it had not been named Joanus Riversus. A new scan to identify people by their noses could help root out criminals. Apparently there are six main nose types: Roman, Greek, Nubian, hawk, snub and turn-up, known collectively as the Michael Jackson collection.

And finally, US officials are investigating how a child was allowed to direct planes at New York’s JFK airport. The boy, the son of a certified air traffic controller, had apparently been brought to work by his father during half term week. The pilots seemed unconcerned to be receiving instructions from a minor. As Groucho Marx said, ‘A child of five would understand this. Someone fetch me a child of five.’ Until next week, I’m off to sign up for the Energy Secretary’s Twitter updates.

It was December 31st 2004. My attempt at a New Year party having failed, four ski trip friends and I took all the booze we could carry up the road to where two younger friends from Lourdes were having a party. In true Val d’Isère style, we proceeded to drink every challenger under the table, create utter mayhem and garnered our friends an official complaint from the building and an eventual eviction for bad behaviour. How was I to know that five years later one of them would win the BAFTA for best actress.

More problems for Comrade Brown, as stories emerged from a recent book of members of the Downing Street staff being grabbed by the lapels, shoved aside and being shouted at by the Prime Minister. This follows another story in Observer alleging that the head of the civil service, Sir Gus O’Donnell, was so concerned he had a word with Gordon. Lord Mandelson has defended the PM, saying he gets angry, but angrier with himself than anyone else. On the basis of the latest opinion polls, that makes him and 67% of the country.

Argentina has escalated a dispute over UK oil exploration in waters surrounding the Falklands Islands. Having secured backing from South American and Caribbean nations for their sovereignty claims to ‘Las Malvinas’, the UK government, fully supported by the Conservatives, issued a ‘note verbale’ to the Argentinian representative in London rejecting their claims. While disputing British sovereignty of the islands, they have ruled out military action and instead decided to run to teacher and ask the UN for support. Best of luck with that.

Western diplomats have expressed concern at Afghan President Hamid Karzai passing a law granting him control over the Electoral Complaints Commission there. This comes after the
Western Forces that overthrew the Taliban backed him financially and with military force as the president of the new Afghanistan. Apparently no-one remembers back to 1980, the last time the West supported a new leader in the Middle East with cash and arms, ending up with them all having to club together to liberate Kuwait.

An Austrian monastery is offering the chance to be a monk for the weekend. The order of Franciscan nuns offering an introduction to the ‘sisterhood’ sounds more appealing to me, especially if it’s in a Castle Anthrax from Monty Python and the Holy Grail way. Venezuelan and Colombian presidents Chavez and Uribe have clashed at a Latin American summit, Uribe telling Chavez to ‘be a man’ and Chavez responding ‘go to Hell’. President Felipe Calderon of host country Mexico demanded that they ‘respect his authoritah’ and sort out their differences respectfully. They were last seen headed for the urinals to measure up. The head of the German protestant church, Bishop Margot Kaessmann, has resigned after
being caught running a red light while three times over the limit. If she’d only been Catholic, she could have just claimed she’d only been drinking the blood of Christ, the first ever victory for transubstantiation over consubstantiation. A Scottish company, Mountain Unity, has begun promoting climbing tours to the north-east of Afghanistan. They said they have already received some promising enquiries from one O. Bin-Laden, though he failed to enclose a return postal address.

And finally, the fossilised remains of a giant clam-eating shark have been unearthed in Kansas. No relative of Dan Hartley, the fish (Ptychodus mortoni) lived around 89 million years ago and measured 10m in length. Peter Andre was said to have been distraught that his Guinness World Record has been beaten until the difference between biggest clam eater and eater of the biggest clam was explained to him. Until next week, I’m off to sell my story to the Daily Mail in exchange for Cheryl Cole’s phone number.

There are three rules in life: 1. Women don’t have Adam’s apples 2. Never start a land war in Russia in October and 3. Don’t go to Dick’s Tea Bar when you have to get up at 5am for a three hour drive to work. Never have I been so glad that George Washington was born in February, giving our American cousins a day off work on Monday and the markets the inertia of a quadriplegic elephant. I’d love to say I’ve learnt my lesson, but with week 9 just around the corner it’s far more likely that I’ve just proved to myself that it can be done.

Comrade Brown has demanded an enquiry into how fraudulent British passports were allegedly used by the killers of Hamas leader Mahmoud al-Mabhouh. Six British Israelis say they had nothing to do with the murder, after their names and photos they maintain are not them were listed by the Dubai police in connection with the incident. Three Irish, one German and one French passport were also used to gain entry to Dubai in order to carry out the assassination, rumoured to be the work of Israeli intelligence agency Mossad. Israel’s foreign minister has refused to issue a formal denial in line with their ‘policy of ambiguity’ on security matters; the same policy used by Lady Gaga on gender matters.

President Obama has approved $8bn in federal loan guarantees to build the first two new nuclear power plants in the US since the Three Mile Island accident in 1979. Both plants are to be located in Georgia and built by energy firm Southern Company. Before you ask, yes there is a town called Springfield in Georgia, no it’s not near either site and the CEO of Southern Company is called David Ratcliffe, not Montgomery Burns.

The US has also made headlines by appointing its first ambassador to Syria since the assassination of PM Rafik Hariri in 2005, possibly green-lighting the removal of sanctions imposed in 2004 due to Syrian support for the Lebanese militant group Hezbollah. The move to improve US-Syrian relations is seen as a request for their help in stabilising the situation in Iraq and influencing Iran’s continued nuclear ambitions.

An inquest into the suicide of gay fashion designer Alexander McQueen has heard that he hanged himself in his closet. You couldn’t make it up. John Prescott said that his cameo on Gavin and Stacey has done more for his profile than 40 years in politics. Strange that no-one remembers him holding Princess Leia as his slave in Return of the Jedi. A Dubai student has been apprehended after racking up over $97k in traffic violations. He was forced to pay 70% of the fines immediately, or 10% more than Dubai World are proposing to offer their creditors. According to a University of Kentucky survey, men need better fitting condoms. Wonder how they’ll vanity size those. Colossus, super colossus and jumbo perhaps? The Houses of Parliament have been approved as a wedding venue to members of the public. It will mark the first time anyone has entered the building with honest intentions since Guy Fawkes.

And finally, those BrewDog boys are at it again. After the release of their 32.8% beer Tactical Nuclear Penguin (Echo News, issue 1), a German brewer, Schorschbrau, released the 40% strength Schorschbock. They have responded by bringing out the 41% Sink the Bismarck. I love their style, have purchased a bottle of it and TNP, will be drinking them somewhere in Val over Easter and accept bribery over the location and company in the form of cash, credit card or (female) full frontal nudity. Until next week, I’m off to clear a nice, high spot on the liver transplant list.