The Mountain Echo

From: chalettilly@hotmail.com
To: timothy.crawley-moore@schroeders.com
SUBJ: “restaurants”

Dear Mummy,

Surely, the whole point of going to restaurants is to have someone cook for you. That’s like totally what you’re paying them for. But then this is France where everything seems to be utterly topsy-turvey…so perhaps I should have expected it. After another week of cooking for other people in the chalet I was expected to cook for myself at a restaurant! Fif, Bim, Henrietta and I went out for what we thought would be a well deserved meal – a fondue. But it turns out that they just bring you out your equipment and you’re expected to cook the bally meal yourself. It was the last thing I needed. I ordered the waiter to go and get me a chef to come out and cook it for me but in poor English and rather rudely he informed me the chef was too busy to attend to individuals tables.

“Too busy?” I said, “How can he be too busy when he doesn’t have to cook anything – the customers are doing all the work”. Like so many others he raised his eyebrows and huffed. Yes, huffed! Huffed at ME! And I don’t mind admitting I saw the red mist. I was quite furious. And this fact combined with the two pichets of rosé and drunk waiting for a table meant the whole meal was destined for disaster.

How was I to know that the bread was supposed to go in the cheese and the meat in the fat? It wasn’t like I’d been given any instructions – not in English anyway. Henrietta’s been a vegetarian since she accidentally ate horse meat in January and started crying when she found a piece of raw steak swimming around in cheese.

I’d had enough and I had the whole lot sent back to the kitchen to be cooked. Half an hour later it all came back on two plates – one of cooked meat and the other of cheese soaked pieces of bread (stale I might add). I’m surprised the rest of the restaurant didn’t follow suit especially seeing as our table had gotten so much attention. That’s me though, always in the thick of it.

Lots of love,

Tiz X

From: chalettilly@hotmail.com
To: timothy.crawley-moore@schroeders.com
SUBJ: “HOLIDAY”

Dear Sis,

Oh my gosh, you’re not going to believe how chavvy the family I’m looking after this week are. I had to write and tell you. I think they might be as bad as the group who won the holiday in the villa next door to ours in Mustique last summer. You’d cringe!! I had no idea people like that were even allowed to go skiing. I always thought that skiing was for people like me, Feef and Bim…and the royals.

But it doesn’t seem to be the sport of kings anymore. These people! I mean none of them can even do parallel turns. I know! I stopped doing snow plough when I was like eight.

I couldn’t believe it either. For my own amusement started probing them about their lives back in England. It turned out only one of them had ever ridden before and they didn’t have their own paddock. I know I should feel sorry for them but I couldn’t stop laughing. Especially when I asked them if they’d heard of Jack Wills – Get this – They said they didn’t know him. Pah!…

But you know their whole attitude to skiing is different. I presume it’s because they can’t afford it and they’re trying to get their money’s worth. They’re up early, back late and don’t have long lunches on the mountain (which defeats the whole purpose of skiing). They’ve probably done more skiing in a week than I’ve done all season!

When I mentioned my observations to my guests though they seemed quite offended. I only asked whether they were too poor to ski and they’ve kicked up a right stink. I’m now on my third strike with the chalet company though what anything has to do with rounders I’ve no idea.

Lots of Love, Tiz X

From: chalettilly@hotmail.com
To: timothy.crawley-moore@schroeders.com
SUBJ: “POWERS THAT BE”

Dear Daddy

Oh deary me. I’m in trouble with the powers that be…again. This time the chalet company has got it into their silly heads that I’ve poisoned my guests! I know, I mean the amount you spent on cooking courses so I could get this job, I’d have to be completely ditsy to do such a thing – a total ninny!

Of course I’m denying everything. They ( a family of fve plus two school friends) have spent the last three days recovering down the valley in hospital. Complete over reaction I’m sure but it’s quite nice to have the chalet to myself. So, every cloud…and I’m about due some time off. Anyway, as I was saying I’m sticking to my theory that they got sick drinking cheap fzz (though what they were doing feeding it to a four year old I don’t know). If you don’t drink proper shampers you’re bound to get ill. Like that time I drank a bottle of Lambrini in the fourth form. I deserved everything I got – well, not the letter home and the ten pages of house lines but you know – the bad tum, for sure.

As usual though, the chalet company aren’t supporting me one bit. They’re saying I food poisoned them but not using the fridge and freezer to store meat but using the, in my opinion the jolly chilly and therefore perfectly adequate, chalet garage. Of course they went totally mental when they saw I was using the fridges for Clinique face packs and a selection of beauty creams. It’s a war of words with me accusing them of inadequate refrigeration and them saying taht as well as giving the guests their money back I could be held personally lible.

So I gues what I’m assaying is can you make sure my trust fund is off shore and out of sight and mums the word on any saving s I might have

Lots of love, Tiz X