There are three rules in life: 1. Women don’t have Adam’s apples 2. Never start a land war in Russia in October and 3. Don’t go to Dick’s Tea Bar when you have to get up at 5am for a three hour drive to work. Never have I been so glad that George Washington was born in February, giving our American cousins a day off work on Monday and the markets the inertia of a quadriplegic elephant. I’d love to say I’ve learnt my lesson, but with week 9 just around the corner it’s far more likely that I’ve just proved to myself that it can be done.
Comrade Brown has demanded an enquiry into how fraudulent British passports were allegedly used by the killers of Hamas leader Mahmoud al-Mabhouh. Six British Israelis say they had nothing to do with the murder, after their names and photos they maintain are not them were listed by the Dubai police in connection with the incident. Three Irish, one German and one French passport were also used to gain entry to Dubai in order to carry out the assassination, rumoured to be the work of Israeli intelligence agency Mossad. Israel’s foreign minister has refused to issue a formal denial in line with their ‘policy of ambiguity’ on security matters; the same policy used by Lady Gaga on gender matters.
President Obama has approved $8bn in federal loan guarantees to build the first two new nuclear power plants in the US since the Three Mile Island accident in 1979. Both plants are to be located in Georgia and built by energy firm Southern Company. Before you ask, yes there is a town called Springfield in Georgia, no it’s not near either site and the CEO of Southern Company is called David Ratcliffe, not Montgomery Burns.
The US has also made headlines by appointing its first ambassador to Syria since the assassination of PM Rafik Hariri in 2005, possibly green-lighting the removal of sanctions imposed in 2004 due to Syrian support for the Lebanese militant group Hezbollah. The move to improve US-Syrian relations is seen as a request for their help in stabilising the situation in Iraq and influencing Iran’s continued nuclear ambitions.
An inquest into the suicide of gay fashion designer Alexander McQueen has heard that he hanged himself in his closet. You couldn’t make it up. John Prescott said that his cameo on Gavin and Stacey has done more for his profile than 40 years in politics. Strange that no-one remembers him holding Princess Leia as his slave in Return of the Jedi. A Dubai student has been apprehended after racking up over $97k in traffic violations. He was forced to pay 70% of the fines immediately, or 10% more than Dubai World are proposing to offer their creditors. According to a University of Kentucky survey, men need better fitting condoms. Wonder how they’ll vanity size those. Colossus, super colossus and jumbo perhaps? The Houses of Parliament have been approved as a wedding venue to members of the public. It will mark the first time anyone has entered the building with honest intentions since Guy Fawkes.
And finally, those BrewDog boys are at it again. After the release of their 32.8% beer Tactical Nuclear Penguin (Echo News, issue 1), a German brewer, Schorschbrau, released the 40% strength Schorschbock. They have responded by bringing out the 41% Sink the Bismarck. I love their style, have purchased a bottle of it and TNP, will be drinking them somewhere in Val over Easter and accept bribery over the location and company in the form of cash, credit card or (female) full frontal nudity. Until next week, I’m off to clear a nice, high spot on the liver transplant list.
Tags: S5E11
