As the alarm clock shattered the idyll of my latest genepy-induced coma and rudely inserted me into Monday morning like a particularly unsympathetic gastroenterologist’s fingers at a prostate exam, I pondered a change of career. In scanning the web for possibilities I chanced upon a story about a soldier, blinded by a grenade in Iraq, who has learnt to see using his tongue. While I’m not prepared to give up my sight to avoid an early start on Monday morning, it did occur to me that if he can learn to breathe through his ears, he’ll be the most popular gynaecologist in history.
The EU has criticized the UK and other European nations for having optimistic growth projections and excessive debt. UK deficit is 12.6% of GDP, a shade worse than Greece, and projected to be at 4.7% by 2015, missing the EU’s target of 3%. Spain also took a pasting in the report for unrealistic economic targets to reduce their debt from the 11.4% it currently stands at. Amid all this, Chancellor Merkel has stated that there should be a procedure in place to exclude a member from the eurozone if required. Barack Obama would have more chance of getting into the Ku-Klux Klan than the UK would have of getting into the Euro at the moment, but while Greece has responded by saying there is zero chance of them leaving, I’d be more worried if her comments referred to Germany and France. If they abandoned the single currency, the resultant Mediterranean peso would be about as worthless as a Tiger Woods marriage vow.
British Airways cabin crew are scheduled to strike this weekend through till the 23rd March and again for four days from the 27th. BA said it intends to operate some 70% of its flights during the first strike with only domestic and some short haul journeys affected. Comrade Brown has declared the strike unjustified and deplorable, David Cameron has decried his efforts to avert the strike as ‘feeble’ given the close links between the Labour Party and the Unite union and, as per usual, no-one cares what the Liberal Democrats had to say.
Nigerian acting President Goodluck Jonathan has dissolved the country’s cabinet in his most significant move since assuming power in Feb due to the health problems of President Yar’Adua. Mr Jonathan has been dealing with the continued campaign of violence and disruption by the MEND group in the oil rich Niger delta, as well as the communal violence that has sprung up between Christian and Muslim groups in the city of Jos, which has already resulted in hundreds of deaths. Having asked his mirror, mirror on the wall ‘who has had the toughest month of all’ he emerged and asked his remaining advisors, ‘who the hell is John Terry?’
Time Warner bosses have apologised after preview clips for the Playboy channel were broadcast on the Kids on Demand children’s channel in North Carolina. Personally I would have been more concerned if it had been the other way round. Italian police have tracked down a mafia boss in Calabria using his network of Facebook friends. Apparently he called himself Scarface after the film character. Must have taken several months for them to unearth his secret identity. A Bosnian ‘Virgin Mary’ claim is to be probed. Surely that defeats the point. A new study suggests women on the pill may live longer. No screaming kids, dependant on you for the next two decades. Hmm, that’s a stumper. Facebook is removing all stalking apps that market themselves as showing you who is viewing your profile. ‘Scarface’ must be sitting in his cell cursing his luck. Two bank robbers dressed as leprechauns have been shot by police in Tennessee. Evidently their pot of gold from shining shoes just wasn’t big enough.
And finally, some Somali pirates got more than they bargained for this week. While cruising the Indian Ocean looking for oil tankers to hijack, they attempted to charge and board the Dutch naval vessel HNLMS Tromp. The vessel fired warning shots as the pirates approached before scrambling a helicopter to round up the three skiffs. Ten men were held on board and later released to one of their boats. Hopefully they will recognise a warship when they see one in future. Until next week, I’m off to rent an Easter bunny costume for my next appointment at the bank.
Tags: S5E15
